Reckless love ... (?)

I know I should be working but no... I've been struck again by some unexpected unpleasant emotion that derails my momentum for the night. I don't know why I've been cracking such bad jokes all day. It's not "bad" in the sense that it's offensive but rather something about an unresolved past (yes. that again) that up to now I still couldn't let go. I realize again and again that I still haven't learned to forgive and most of all to forget.

I still cling on to the past that can never be recovered and changed. Time is the ultimate thing that you can never get back. And I'm ashamed to admit that I wasted that time making an idiot of myself. Writing journals and novels help vent out my anxiety but then I realize that it only pours out unlimited rage that can spiral out of control. Is there anyway to stop this? Yes but I have no idea what.

I heard this song from Daughtry, "Over you". The melody of the lyrics and music is excellent. I just found myself playing it over and over again. I thought the tasteful combination of sounds made it so mesmerizing but it turns out it was the message of the song that moved me. But I think it was only half true for my situation because there's always a big difference between my case and your typical "Moving-on" scenario.

A typical scenario goes like this: 2 people meet, they make a mistake of committing oneself to each other and finally they break up. Now one of them works hard towards forgetting the other and looking at the world at a different light. You can be sure one of them learned at least something from the experience of loving and being loved back. My case is somewhat different.

I meet someone and before I know it, she's already cold, isolated and reacting violently. What's wrong anyway? I don't even get a change to know her well and yet there she is already driving me away like some plague. Seems like it's a mortal sin to be attracted to people (Admit it. You felt that way!) I guess this is why I keep committing the same mistakes. I couldn't learn anything valuable from reckless loving. But isn't love really reckless to begin with? We give our entire selves with no desire for anything in return? All I know is that I expect too much, dream too much and aspire too much. It all ends up blaming myself for everything. It all ends up not forgiving myself. I think it's myself that I need to get over with.