Reckless love ... (?)

I know I should be working but no... I've been struck again by some unexpected unpleasant emotion that derails my momentum for the night. I don't know why I've been cracking such bad jokes all day. It's not "bad" in the sense that it's offensive but rather something about an unresolved past (yes. that again) that up to now I still couldn't let go. I realize again and again that I still haven't learned to forgive and most of all to forget.

I still cling on to the past that can never be recovered and changed. Time is the ultimate thing that you can never get back. And I'm ashamed to admit that I wasted that time making an idiot of myself. Writing journals and novels help vent out my anxiety but then I realize that it only pours out unlimited rage that can spiral out of control. Is there anyway to stop this? Yes but I have no idea what.

I heard this song from Daughtry, "Over you". The melody of the lyrics and music is excellent. I just found myself playing it over and over again. I thought the tasteful combination of sounds made it so mesmerizing but it turns out it was the message of the song that moved me. But I think it was only half true for my situation because there's always a big difference between my case and your typical "Moving-on" scenario.

A typical scenario goes like this: 2 people meet, they make a mistake of committing oneself to each other and finally they break up. Now one of them works hard towards forgetting the other and looking at the world at a different light. You can be sure one of them learned at least something from the experience of loving and being loved back. My case is somewhat different.

I meet someone and before I know it, she's already cold, isolated and reacting violently. What's wrong anyway? I don't even get a change to know her well and yet there she is already driving me away like some plague. Seems like it's a mortal sin to be attracted to people (Admit it. You felt that way!) I guess this is why I keep committing the same mistakes. I couldn't learn anything valuable from reckless loving. But isn't love really reckless to begin with? We give our entire selves with no desire for anything in return? All I know is that I expect too much, dream too much and aspire too much. It all ends up blaming myself for everything. It all ends up not forgiving myself. I think it's myself that I need to get over with.

Prioritizing

We just had our first surprise quiz for physical chemistry for the semester and as usual less than half of the class passed. Probably only 4 out of 25. It's a clear sign that I must set my brain back to school-mode. I have to admit it's difficult to do just that this time of the year since I just came back from sem break and the fact that it's Christmas Season already. I just have this tendency to take things too easy and lightly.

I know I have to go back and hit the books but I still have to write a novel (Yes. I wrote something during the break) which is a chapter away from completion. So close...

I also have this extreme desire to make that online store and sell some of my old junk on ebay. This time of the year is perfect since a lot of people will be shopping online to buy Christmas gifts. Too bad I'll be missing out on it. Talk about opportunity costs...

Well, first things first. I must not let my Gemini instincts of starting one thing without finishing the other get the best of me. So it's academics, then the novel and finally profit. The most important task comes first before the most complicated.

First days

First days of school. Break is over and it's back to work. I don't mind going back to school at all. The schedule's been fixed in my favor (and it should be!) . But I guess the most frustrating part of the first days of school is the hunt for books and handouts. I haven't bartered this much and this desperately before in my entire student career. A lot of the books I need have been borrowed and I have also been renting books to the lower class men. I just hope I remember all of the things I have borrowed and lent.

Aside from bartering, I've been (and I guess a lot of students too) breaking the copyright rules (what am I saying?!) by photocopying the handouts for our classes. So many readings, so few xerox machines to exploit. Not to mention so little time. The ORP (Office of Research and Publications) has recently banned the teachers from duplicating reading materials. If readings are needed, then the we, the students, have to photocopy the master copies ourselves. Those Pilates! They're white-washing themselves again so the blame for copyright infringement will be on our heads! That means double work for all of us. I guess this explains why a lot of they're graduates turn out to be assholes. Hey, don't blame us for the illegal mass duplication of the handouts and books.

Anyways, this is like fighting city hall. Whining does no good. Just blindly comply to the "Big Brother"

Yes! All this for a dumb class schedule

I only post stuff here for two reasons. The first one being if I want to share something interesting that has happened. Another if I simply want to rant away my angsts and anger. Since today was an uneventful day, you can guess what this post will be all about.

Last semester, the registrar approved my enlistment with conflicting classes. I can easily let that mistake go since it was partly my fault for not rechecking my schedule. I was able to fix it immediately with minor setbacks on my part. I learned from that experience. But did they? Noooooo. Of course not. I sent them a complaint email last semester about the incident and they didn't listen! Believe it or not the registrar's office fucked up big time again!

A few hours after everyone has finished their enlistment, they changed the class schedule again at the last minute! Now I have a chemistry class in conflict with my philosophy class. No way in hell I'm giving up my philo class. There are no more alternatives available. It's either they change the schedule back to the way it was or I won't take the chem class this semester.

Students who fall victims to the incompetence of our schools services have all the right to be angry at them. A lot of law-abiding students try to be perfect. Is this what they get in exchange? A system that makes their lives more complicated than it already is? School authorities hunt down those who slightly deviate from the norm and unfortunately treat them like common criminals complete with alienation, public humiliation, monetary fines and punishment. So why can't we treat those who screwed up the same way? They show that all mistakes no matter how small should be disciplined. Then maybe it's about time that the employees too should be disciplined.

Most if not all people will say, "It's just a minor mistake and should be let go." or "You're just exaggerating again." or "Hmpf. Another emo post" or "All this for a dumb schedule?"

Well let me tell you something. It's not the first time somebody snapped because of a screwed up school system. Remember the Virgina Tech Shooting? Or the famous Columbine High School Massacre? Those were just examples of cases where the people were simply ignored and put aside. And when they respond with a hail of bullets, then the world begins to stop and ask itself, "Where did we go wrong?" I'd like to slap the world in the face and say, "Wake up you moron. It's right there." The problem was already in front of their faces and yet they persisted to ignore its growing magnitude. Maybe a lot of people are really dumb enough not to listen to others and the only way to make them get to their senses is through violence. It's the only thing they'll listen to.

Maybe the murderous teenagers weren't criminals after all. Maybe they were just victims of a corrupt and faulty system not only of the school but of society as well. The souls of the people they killed were retribution for society's crimes.

COLUMBINE... NEVER FORGET